Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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