I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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