I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
