apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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