Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
