Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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