Plan B is the new Plan A
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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