I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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