the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
