You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
