Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
