the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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