took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
