I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Is Oprah even human
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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