Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
