May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
