I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
