I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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