My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
