is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
