my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
