Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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