When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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