you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
