6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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