What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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