just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
