I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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