I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
