is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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