please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
it was like eating out sand paper
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
