Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
