question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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