she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Randomize
