you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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