I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
