What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
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Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
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I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
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