meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
