I can text with my tongue
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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