Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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