Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Too much gin, very little bucket
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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