There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
