The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
