Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
