can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"