i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
