All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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