this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
