remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
