Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
