so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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