I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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