I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
