I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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