it hurts more in the daytime
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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